Newport bids for the next Olympics

2:14pm Friday 1st August 2008

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By Mervyn James »

Did you know that Newport City Council had put a bid in for the next Olympics ? Here is a section of their bid that was leaked from the IOC...

OPENING CEREMONY: The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown into the arena by an unnamed hoodied resident of Bettws area of the City, wearing traditional costume, and carrying a lager can.

THE EVENTS: In previous Olympics Newport competitors have sadly, not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of the local athletes: 100 METRES SPRINT: Competitors will have to hold a DVD recorder and an 32" digital TV (one under each arm) and on the sound of a starting pistol a police dog will be released 10 metres behind them.

110 METRES HURDLES: As above but with added obstacles, ie car bonnets, hedges, gardens, fences, walls etc.

HAMMER: The competitors will be allowed to make a choice of hammer, (Claw, Sledge etc). The winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to members of the public within their allotted time.

WEIGHTLIFTING: From a standing position competitors will have various electronic goods placed in their arms. In order to complete a lift these must then be taken through a shop door/window and placed in a mate's van accompanied by loud burglar alarm accompaniment..

FENCING: Entrants will be asked to dispose of as many stolen goods as possible within five minutes.

SHOOTING: A series of targets will be set up to establish the competitor's ability over a range of disciplines The targets to be as follows: 1 - Any moving animal or bird. 2 - A Newport Transport Omnibus 3 - A Bank Teller or Securicor Driver 4 - Their next door neighbour's youngest child.

NB - This target to be followed by the ritual cry of 'I thought he was the filth' or 'He looked at me the wrong way'.

BOXING: Entry to be restricted to husband and wife teams and will take place on every Friday and Saturday night of the games. The husband will be given 15 pints of Stella and the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.

CYCLING TIME TRIALS: Competitors will be asked to break into the Newport's college bike shed and take the most expensive mountain bike - Against the clock, extra points for mindless damage to anything else near.

CYCLING PURSUIT: As above, however this time the break in must occur at Newport Police Station, and must be witnessed by an officer.

TIME TRIAL: The competitor who can amass the most ASBO's and associated charges, and can waste the most of the court's valuable time before being found not guilty, will be adjudged the winner. Extra points if they can also get compensation for 'Damage to their street cred' , or are under 6yrs of age...

MODERN PENTATHLON: Amended to include mugging, breaking & entering, flashing, joyriding, drug peddling, drunkenness, school arson, and who can steal the best trainers....

THE MARATHON: A safe route has yet to be decided, but the competitors will be issued with sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up dog sh*t, crisp packets and used hypodermic syringes on their way round.

MEN'S 50Km WALK: Q - Why does the Usk run through Newport ?

A - Because if it walked it would get mugged. Therefore for safety reasons this event has been canceled.

RELAY: Each of four competitors to remove an appliance of their choice from a house near the Civic Centre and deliver the swag to Swansea, using at least four different stolen cars.

ARCHERY: Each competitor will be given three needles, the winner will be the person who gets nearest to three different main veins in their own body.

DISCUS: Will be decided by which contestant can get a hubcap off a car and throw it to his mate the fastest. In addition the following 'exhibition events' designed at promoting the local culture will be introduced.

PILLOW EATING: The contestant who can get the most pillow in their mouth after their 18 stone cellmate takes a shine to them will be adjudged the winner.

GRAFFITI: To be decided on who can spray the most obscenities on a neighbour's wall in five minutes - NB In order not to disadvantage local competitors, marks will not be deducted for misspelling, there will also be a welsh language/polish/Hindi option too.

Cricket: Each competitor to be given a stainless steel cricket bat. Last person standing wins.

A new Olympic game is to be introduced. THE PRESCOED MARATHON: Competitors will be taken to Prescoed prison, and have to then REMAIN there for at LEAST 30 minutes....

Proposed CLOSING CEREMONY: In an attempt to capture the timeless beauty of Newport, all pubs will be closed during the ceremony, competitors from every nation will be chased across Beechwood Park by Knife wielding or stone throwing locals.

They will then scatter to the four corners of the City to find their car aerials/mirrors ripped off, driver side windows broken and satnav liberated.

Their assailants will return to the parade providing a riot of colour and sound as their shell suits converge. The Olympic flame (if still in place) will be extinguished by eight drunken hoodies forming a circle and peeing on it.

The closing speech will consist of the words 'Da Boch ! this is a hold up, please hand over your wallets, purses and jewelery, before you may leave...'