10 Olympic Alternatives

10:19am Monday 11th August 2008

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In descending order of idiocy are:- 10. Organise your DVD collection, A is for..

9. Play a lot of games of Scrabulous: Increase your vocabulary and while away the hours with Scrabulous, the massively popular Facebook word game, and/or read and post meaningless nonsense to other equally silly people without a semblance of a life, who probably need psychiatric treatment too...

8. Make good use of your remote: The Olympics aren't on every channel, but during news broadcasts you'll be forgiven for thinking otherwise, and rival networks don't tend to throw on much of worth during this one-channel ratings bonanza. So it's the perfect time to take advantage of the remote control; to see how the other half bores itself stupid. Learn how to make Xmas cards out of used lager cans and Birthday cards out of unread Argus business/home sale pages.... watch the shopping channels, or repeats of only fools and horses, first to forget the entire script is the loser........

7. Send, (Or even make them yourself for that personal touch), Jordan's baby, another pair of shoes, she's only got a hundred pairs, and cannot walk yet, but a gal needs all the shoes she can get.... to get as far away as possible from her parents I expect....

6. Do NOT watch the BBC (It's the worst offender), hint, do NOT Be fooled by the BBC claims there is news on the news channel, the only news is the Olympics, and they have half their staff there on freebies that need justifying... we don't mind that as licence payers, but we do object to them being given return tickets....

5. Try sampling fresh air, you know, that stuff outside the front door birds fly about in.

4. Read a lot of Wikipedia: Most is total and unsubstantiated gibberish, and rubbish, and if there is not a topic covered in it, (like the chances of Newport County fielding a decent footy team in the next 25 years, or Wales beating NZ and SA 500 nil at Rugby), then why not include it yourself ? The secret to Wikipedia entry is simply, no truth allowed.

3. Train to do 100 push ups: Get fit and not fat, sat in front of the TV, with a supply of 50 cases or lager willing Britain's athletes to at least not break a leg or get sent back before they even start. Half are back here too fat to box already, the other half are looking for a Chinese takeaway shop...

2. Run a sweepstake on Paula Radcliff, will she be actually starting the marathon ? let alone finishing it. All the Brits love a loser.... but it helps if they take part as well. Currently our Paula is training on a hush-hush chinese golf course, so, flingers clossed...Alternatively, can she outcry that silly moo of a film star who blubbed for half an hour and waffled on, more than an hyena on steroids....?

1. Start a campaign to ban sport so we can all watch more meaningless and puerile reality TV of strange people doing even stranger things despite being heavily medicated, untalented, and having less charisma than a lettuce... or watch weather reports by sniggering and simpering wannabees playing in hot air balloons, whilst telling us a monsoon, or a second coming is on the way...